51/49

I’ve been trying to write for two weeks, but I jump from topic to topic on what I want to write. As you can imagine most of my started journals have involved writing about Devin, but why would I write about him? We’re done. Right? Honestly, I would love to know the answer to that question. Are we on a break? Broken up? I would say only that boy knows what he is thinking, but I don’t even think he knows what he’s thinking. I’ve devised a plan to contact him after Christmas and get my answer to this question. I’m not going to beg him to take me back, but I’m going to let him know I want to try again and that I think we deserve another shot.

I mean, I definitely still have feelings for the dude. I think about him all the time, so hopefully that “being unable to get someone off your mind indicates that you are also on that person’s mind as well” thing is true. I definitely think that I’m still on his mind. I mean the guy literally said he wanted to “see me again and talk about it”, it being our relationship, so he didn’t want to give up; he was honestly probably just shocked that I made him talk right then instead of giving him time like I normally did. There’s no way that he dropped all the feelings he felt for me throughout our time together right then, because he’s definitely not that type of person.

So, yes I have hope. Maybe I’m in denial or maybe I’m just being my normal optimistic self, but until I talk to him again after Christmas will I finally be able to let go, if that’s what I have to do. I have so much hope, because I am so secure in my feelings for him and I know he felt something for me and it scared him. I mean, I literally went from crying about the dude for a straight hour to doing my signature thing of “everything happens for a reason, “I can see why he’s thinking the way he is now…”, and if our souls are meant to be together then we’ll be together”. It’s just not in my nature to hate and it’s definitely not in my nature to give up, especially when it’s something that I want.

If we were to get back together things would have to be different, they would have to be like they were at the beginning of our relationship. Not to sound clingy, but I would need his attention, need to see him at least once a week, I mean come on the dude literally worked 15 minutes away from my house, so I think asking to see each other twice a week isn’t too much. I would need to actually go on dates with him, not hide in each other’s houses and watch movies, no matter how much I love to have him hold me and cuddle me. I would need his communication: when he’s working, what he wants to do with me, why he took six hours to respond. I would want him to meet my mom, I could literally care less about my dad, but my mom, I need him to meet her. I wouldn’t need, but would love to have the compliments that I got at the beginning of our relationship: “you’re so cute/adorable/pretty”, “you’re lucky I really like you”, hopefully we could get that one to love, ya feel me? Things like that, I would need normal things that happen in a relationship. An I would also need him to tell me what he needs from me, that way we’re on the same page.

That was a lot of heavy, so let’s talk about the funny/slightly insane:  Zola and I went and stalked Devin last week on Thursday. It was the equivalent of the high you get from doing cocaine from what I understand from Zola. We sat outside his house for at least 3 hours watching a few people come in and out with a few close calls. The scariest part though, the first person we saw walking into his house we thought was a girl. After much deliberation, which included us realizing that we were way too far away from the house to even recognize people walking in, it was dark out so even if we could tell if it was a boy or a girl it would be difficult to see, and just because it might’ve been a girl doesn’t mean that that girl was there for Devin, because every time I was there there was always a girl there for the other guys. But of course, I freaked and immediately thought it was Amanda, so I immediately stalked her social media. With my luck, there were a few tweets about relationships, so that made me even more nervous, but then the next day she made her profile picture her and her boyfriend, who is definitely not Devin (woot, woot!). So, I’ve definitely been holding onto that little factoid.

There are so many things that I’ve been holding onto these past few weeks that are giving me hope. Most of them are the same things that I held onto during our relationship when I hadn’t talked to him in awhile or when we couldn’t communicate as much. For instance, on our second “date” (I went to his house to cook eggplant parmesan with him, but I mean I got a kiss sooooo ???) he gave me his jacket, which I later found out was his winter coat, so to me that means that he felt so secure in our relationship and where it would go that he felt comfortable enough to give me his stuff. One time when I was at his house he asked me where I wanted to go get ice cream at, since we were in Plainsville I had no idea where I wanted to go, his response, “What?! You mean you haven’t been researching Plainsville for when you have to come here and raise a family with me?”, I was SHOOK. This dude went from afraid to start a relationship to imagining a family with me. I was caught between blushing like crazy and also thinking that I was with a psycho. There was also the time that I admitted that I had been jamming to the Hannah Montana soundtrack for the past month and he said, “You’re lucky that I really, really like you A/N Moller.”, which also had me SHOOK, because Moller? Excuse me? When he saw my face he elaborated that, “I mean it’s only fitting. You follow the family name trend and ya know, maybe one day it’ll happen.”. That night my “He Put a Ring On It” board on Pinterest got about 300 pins added to it. Also, he still has my underwear from when I gave it back to him in August, those suckers have now been through two breakups. He also bought me underwear, whoop, whoop, so I’m winning no matter what. Or the time where he said, “I’m not going to change you during our years together Katie, I’m just going to help you become a better version of yourself and grow, because I don’t want my kids being midgets.”, lowkey hurt, but also awww. Then there’s the stuff that’s happened post breakup. He didn’t give me any of my stuff back, he hasn’t deleted me off SnapChat, he’s got his stuff back that has an overwhelming scent of me on them lmao, and all the time’s he said ,”at least until…”, which Zola and are taking as him insinuating a break. Plus, he always got back with Amanda, so at least we know he’s cool with getting back with his ex’s. So, I’m trying not to get too hopeful, but maybe instead of a 50/50 chance, I’ve got a 51/49 chance, I mean I am pretty cute.

 

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a pure heart

Back in July I worked with this boy named Devin, for maybe 10 minutes at the local farm market, but god was he the most gorgeous boy I had ever seen. Shaggy blonde hair, tan skin, tall, gauges, he was everything I didn’t know I was attracted to in a boy. The first thing he ever said to me was, “Yeah dude, it’s been a day”, as I went to open up the drawer and about five pounds of water came out. I swear I fell for him at that exact moment.

I didn’t see him again until the last week of August, but boy did I hope to see him on the schedule every time I checked. This time I worked with him for two hours, just us, no one else. He said I was “insanely pretty without makeup”, made me laugh the entire time, and told me things about his life I would have never guessed. The biggest shock was when he casually dropped the fact that his dad unexpectedly died in April.

Once my coworker Olivia came in to take over his shift, I could not stop talking about him. Literally the minute he left I started talking about him, “Did you think he was cute?”, “He’s so funny!”, I didn’t stop for the next three and a half hours. I had learned so much about him in our short two hours, but I wanted to know so much more. As Olivia and I started to close down the wagon we noticed that we couldn’t find the deposit key. Devin was the last one to have it, so it was the perfect chance to find his number and text him. He swore he didn’t have it, but I promised to keep him updated on the situation.

We talked for the next three days, non-stop, figuring out all the things we had in common. We had been to 12 of the same concerts, we both had friends that smoked weed, we both could make fun of each other, but also not take it too seriously, we both found each other attractive, and best of all we both wanted to explore the possibilities together.

Next thing you know I’m hopping in my car to drive to his house in Plainsville. My mom thought I was going on a double date with him, my best friend Zola, and her dude to downtown Canal for the Labor Day festival. I turned off all my location services, bluetooth, had my alibi set with Zola, and was ready to have the time of my life with this guy.

When I showed up I was slightly bummed that it wasn’t just us, as promised, but was so flustered that I was spending time with him. I met a few of his friends and genuinely enjoyed hanging out with them. It was fun, but we didn’t get to do our underwear, cat shirt deal, let alone I was still leaving first kissless.

We continued to talk for the next few days, until we decided it was his turn to come to Canal. I had everything planned, we were going to see a movie and end up going to eat somewhere. When we arrived at the movie theaters we ran into my best friend Zola and her friend Lex. Once Zola finally got the message to leave us alone after 30 minutes, we got the ball rolling. He bought the tickets, we picked our seats, he pulled the classic stretch move, and I got my first kiss. First kiss, worst kiss, for sure. As if I couldn’t fall for him anymore, he took me to Taco Bell.

We talked for probably a few more days. I saw him for about 30 minutes after he got off work that Friday and we finally did our underwear, shirt trade that we had talked about earlier in the week. The first time I met him he had a Victoria’s Secret lanyard on, so I questioned him about it and he said, “Yeah, I take boyshorts to a whole new level”. We also discussed his collection of cat shirts, which birthed our trade deal. But, that weekend, that’s when things got crazy. He sent me texts like, “What do you want from this?”. “I can’t do a relationship right now.”, “I don’t want your first real something to be with someone like me.”, “You don’t even know about Amanda and she messed me up.”, and honestly I was so confused, because I was just having fun. After trying to convince him that it’s worth a shot and continuing to be confused, we decided that he would come over after work Monday, so we could talk in person. I got pretty deep with him. I told him about my personal struggles, family struggles, and that I understood what he was going through. He left leaving me with the decision of whether we were to stay friends or not. Which I was very confused that he still wanted anything to do with me, I thought he would drop me.

The next day I sent him a text saying things along the lines of “I was hurt because he led me on, I’m mad he won’t give us a chance, I want to know more about this Amanda girl, and I still wanted to be his friend”. I also sent Zola to the farm market that day to ask him “how are you and A/N doing?”, he still thinks I had no idea Zola was going to do that that day. Anyway, we started building a friendship. We talked about stupid little things, all the time.

The next week I found myself at a park in Baltimore listening to him talk about his “ex-girlfriend” Amanda, of “two years” for two and a half hours. Note the quotations. They met on a cruise ship, but had known each other a bit before. The entire time that they were “dating” she was with another guy. She was with him when his Dad died, literally, they slept together that night. They were “on again, off again” as friends, a couple, whatever they were for almost two years, but she finally put an end to it in July, because she had found another guy. Basically, she really messed with his head. TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF THIS STORY AND APPARENTLY THAT WASN’T EVEN THE WHOLE STORY. But, when we were leaving the park that day he invited me to Plainsville that night, but I was so overwhelmed with information there was no way I could handle it that night, so we decided another time. I was truly shook. I just spent hours listening to him talk about his ex-girlfriend, that’s how deep in the friend zone I was, yet he still wanted to hangout.

I never made it back to Plainsville, but we continued to text, literally nonstop for three weeks. At this point I had started my new job at Olive Garden, while he stayed at the farm market until the end of the season. One day he texted me in the morning talking about how “his life really sucks” and “if this is a dream he wishes he could just wake up”. So, me, a natural optimist with all the positive vibes going on, hit him back with “at least you’re not working with Tim today (who was his least favorite coworker) and at least it’s not raining”. To which he responded with me being a “beacon of optimism today, aren’t we?” and “he’s sorry because I’m a really good person and he’s not”. I never responded to that text. I decided that I would go see him at the wagon after school and give him a hug, because it seemed like he really needed one that day.

After driving past the wagon literally four times before I got the guts to go see this guy, I finally parked and got out of my car (woohoo!). As I got closer to the wagon I noticed that the owner of the company, as well as a few other customers were there. She pulled me aside to talk to me about her appreciation for me running the market that summer, joking about some things between coworkers, and then I had to explain to her that I actually quit two weeks earlier because I needed a job for during the school year (awkward). Once our conversation finally ended I acted like I needed to buy my Grandma some tomatoes, quickly said “Hey!” to Devin, and left before even giving him his hug.

About an hour later I got a text from him asking why I had left so early, because he had wanted to talk to me. I explained to him that I was actually just there to give him a hug, but felt awkward with the owner there. To which he responded with “ugh A/N” and “I think I’m ready”. Me, a blonde, responds with, “for what?”. After a few minutes he responded with “to start something with you. I mean I can’t wait around forever and mope about the past, ya feel.” I quickly responded with a “yes, I feel. But only if you’re sure you’re ready”. When I read “yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m ready” to myself, I’m pretty sure I had the biggest smile on my face as I quickly texted my Mom and best friend. We had already decided that we were going to go to Rockmill the next day, Thursday, earlier in the week, but now it was different.

I very anxiously awaited the next day, but it came quickly as he continued to talk to me for the rest of the day and make me giggle for hours. As I started to put makeup on and make sure that my hair was perfectly braided, my Dad started to question where I was going. Just like a clueless father would, he bought that I was going out with Zola. I arrived at Rockmill about 15 minutes before him, but naturally in the wrong spot, once I got to where I was supposed to be, we (really me, because I had never been there before) began to explore Rockmill. I didn’t really know if it was acceptable to kiss him or not, because I didn’t know what he was comfortable with yet. As I struggled to tell him one of my deepest, darkest secrets, my fake tooth, he finally kissed me. AN I LITERALLY PUSHED HIM AWAY, IT WAS TRAGIC. But, I quickly recovered. As we were walking back to our cars he threw his hand back for me to grab and I quickly turned into the typical giggly, teenage girl.

We drove to a really cool tree about 10ish minutes away, that my small 5’2” stature needed some serious help getting into. His solution: pick me up and throw me in it. Terrifying, yet super fun. That was the second time that I played with his hair, the first was about 30 minutes earlier as I tried to braid it, but this was when I discovered my obsession with it. We sat there for probably 30 minutes talking about everything and nothing, until we decided to head back. I followed him to his house and got to meet a few more of his friends before I had to go home for the night. He lost points when I didn’t get a goodbye kiss, but quickly redeemed them when he texted me to let him know when I got home. SWOON x2.

We were set to see each other again that Saturday. I had picked up two girls’ shifts at the market that day for volunteer hours, because I didn’t think it was fair that they had to work on their homecoming day. Honestly, it was the best day of work I have ever had. I tried coffee with sugar for the first time, got to work with him, and at the end of the day he even invited me to come cook with him.

At least three people had told me that Devin was a great cook, but until that night did I believe them. He was super sweet the entire night and I even got to wear one of his jackets, that he let me keep. SWOON x3. Plus, I was reminded to text him once I got home and every time I did his response was always “blessed”.

The next time I saw him was Wednesday. He had found a small park in Canal that he wanted to take me too, but we quickly discovered that his park was not a park at all. So we drove around until we decided on a park in German Village. I was so excited. I was finally going to make it to the park and with Devin. We hung out there for a bit, which is also where he asked me to stay the night at his place after their party that I was going to that Saturday, but of course, only after my senior homecoming. I was quick to let him know that I would love to, but it would take some work on my mom’s part. Then we went to Insomnia Cookie, which were probably the best cookies of my life; we also took his birthday present to his friend Claire. On the way home he drove around Canal at least twice, so that I could listen to a few of his favorite songs and he “actually really likes hanging out with me”. Once I was sure the feelings were mutual I asked him if we could go to the park and swing, and with these green eyes, it’s hard for anyone to say no. The swinging was short lived before he quickly hoisted me back into a tree and we practiced my kissing skills, a lot (can’t forget the bracelet he gave me either). That was my favorite date that we ever went on.

Once home I quickly went to work on convincing my mom to let me stay the night, which I was successful after 24 hours. I was then faced with my next challenge. I didn’t want to look cute that night, I wanted to look hot. I recruited Zola and Lex for help and boy, were we successful. During our shopping trip they also decided to prepare me for the possible chance of him trying to sleep with me. After 5 minutes of their tips and tricks I quickly told them I would figure it out as we went along and I would treat it like crowd surfing at Warped Tour, if it felt right in the moment then so be it. But I was also dealing with the last thing that I would want to deal with while staying the night at his house, my period. So, the odds were definitely stacked against me.

Saturday came and I was definitely nervous. Would he think I was pretty enough? Hot enough? Good enough? I had never been to a house party, I had no idea what to expect. My homecoming was actually the most boring experience of my life, but it definitely helped me loosen up for that night. When I showed up at his house the party was already over, at 9:30 at night, I was thoroughly confused, but very relieved. He loaned me some clothes that I was literally swimming in and ordered a pizza.

I remember at least three times people coming in the house and asking him to come out back, but his answer was always no. Whether it was no, because of me or because he simply didn’t want to go outside, I don’t know, but I felt special. After about an hour or two we took his friend home and came back to find his brother in the living room, which left us to go up to his room. You could say my nerves skyrocketed. I quickly asked where the bathroom was, because ya know, whole period situation. I became nervous that he might’ve figured out what was happening when I had to get my purse before I went to the bathroom, but when he asked me if I brushed my teeth while I was in there I realized he had literally no idea what was going on.

Once I was situated for the night, even makeup free, we got settled in his bed and quickly my nerves disappeared. We “watched” a movie, but really I don’t remember much of it. He introduced me to the “straddling a boy while making out” fantasy of literally every girl and it was definitely a game changer. That entire night was really special for me. I felt like I connected with him a lot more and became much more comfortable around him. I mean, I even let him touch my butt. I remember waking up around 3:00am to him asking me if he could kiss me, and to my surprise, my response was, “only if you straddle me this time”. Which afterwards I proudly admitted that I had accomplished the “touch my butt and buy me pizza” shirt that I owned in 8th grade.

The next morning I woke up to 35 text messages from my mother, as well as 10 missed phone calls. In her defense, it was 11:00am and she hadn’t heard from me since 9:30 the night before when I got there, but still. I quickly called her to confirm that yes, I was still alive. To which her response was, “I know I sent your Uncle Ben to the house to look for your car”, okay mom. He again loaned me a shirt from the farm market and hat to fix my terrible hair, because I was again volunteering for them. An I was racing against the clock to get there on time at this point. While leaving, he again reminded me to text him when I got there.

When I arrived at the market I was also informed that I had lost my job at Olive Garden. Some mix-up with my age or something. The next day I told him about my job loss and he cared, but then we changed the subject to when we would see each other again, Wednesday. After school Wednesday I went to see him and we “watched” a movie again, hung out with some of his friends, plus he got me a milkshake, so it was a grand night. I invited him to come to Canal and go bowling Friday after he got off work.

Friday night came and bets were placed on bowling. If I won I got to do his makeup, if he won he didn’t know what he wanted, but he didn’t want me to be mad at him for forgetting my necklace and nose ring at his house. Halfway through the first game it was very evident that I wasn’t going to win, so he changed his prize to me doing his makeup. SWOON x4. At the end of our game he started to not feel well. We went to a park in Canal where I had wrote two of his famous phrases, then we went to get pizza, but instead ordered it while we sat in the car and just talked. It was his own twist on romance and I loved it. Once we got the pizza he went downhill quick and decided that he needed to go home after much convincing from me that it was okay. We had made plans to go shopping the next day, so that I could finally get my new pair of underwear and him a new cat shirt for my solid first kiss, but only if he was feeling better.

The next day he had a baby shower in the morning and it was pretty clear that he still wasn’t feeling good. The night before I had told him about my camp that I would be at from Sunday-Tuesday, that I wasn’t allowed to take my phone to. So, me, being the cutesy person that I am, sent him a cute text before I left. To which he responded, “A/N you’re the best”.

The whole time I was there I missed him, but I was also worried that he would forget about me while I was gone. But, when I texted him that I was back I was greeted with “A/N, HI, I MISSED YOU”. SWOON x5. We quickly made plans to see each other the next day and finally go on that shopping trip.

He was still sick when we went shopping, but it definitely wasn’t noticeable. He bought me my underwear, I bought him his sweatshirt, it was great. Did I mention he held my hand like the entire time? SWOON x6.

That weekend he had a breakdown. He was still a bit sick, he was bummed out, and really just not doing well. He wanted to be left alone, so I left him alone, but I made sure he knew that I cared and was there for him if he needed.

The next day I was helping my aunt and uncle move into their new house when I got a text from him saying that he had called Amanda yesterday, that’s why he was sad. Obviously I questioned why he would call Amanda. His response, “my mom suggested that I call her to see what went wrong in our relationship”. He then proceeded to tell me that she told him he was a terrible person and a bunch of other untrue, cruel things about him. I started to wonder why he was concerned about their ended relationship when he was in a relationship with me, but I assured him none of the things she said were true and the conversation again turned light and fun. Later that night we made plans for me to come to Plainsville Tuesday after school.

Tuesday morning I got ready, packed up my makeup kit, went to school, and quickly headed to Plainsville. For the first time without a GPS! I was confused once I arrived, because he’s normally waiting at the door for me, but this time he wasn’t. I also didn’t see his car. When I finally knocked on the door, after waiting a few minutes thinking he would come without me knocking, I was met with his mother. Surprisingly I wasn’t nervous or scared to meet her, just shocked that it was happening, because Devin had never introduced me to her yet. She told me I could go to his room or sit with her in the living room, whichever I was more comfortable with. I opted to sit with her and we laughed about a few stories we each had of Devin, she was super cool. Once Devin got back with their lunch, they finished and I got to go upstairs and do his makeup. After finishing his makeup, which he looked very pretty in, we watched a movie before going out to see some of his friends that had come over. When they didn’t interest him enough he decided that we were going to bake and cook dinner for his family. Again, he was a 10/10 cook. When I left that night he gave me my second pumpkin, since the first one had rotted. We named  it Shrek or Alex, it really just depends on who you asked.

Once I got home I sent him a SnapChat of me and the pumpkin on the front porch, because that time he didn’t tell me to text him when I got home. Later in the week I invited him to come over Friday while I was home alone for the night. We were both super pumped. I planned a really cool night that I knew he would love. But, he showed up late. Like two and a half hours late, because he had to get a new car battery and oil change that he was waiting for his check to get. I freaked out, I knew that we weren’t going to get to do what I planned that night because we were already down almost three hours. So, I went to literally Plan D, which is quite funny because Plan D didn’t work all night because our wifi was messed up and Netflix wouldn’t work, and when Netflix wouldn’t work he kept going, “what’s your Plan B a/n?”, like DUDE THIS WAS PLAN D! He left at 9:30, 10:00 that night because he “needed to clean the basement before his mom got home”. I think he was just making excuses to leave because things weren’t working out as planned and he was bored.

On his way home he realized he had left his charger at my house. When this was discovered I just thought this meant I would be going to Plainsville earlier in the week instead of later. But no, when he came for his job orientation in Canal on Monday he swung by to pick it up. Literally. He was here for all of 5 minutes, he even left his car running while he came in. That entire week he never brought up me coming to Plainsville, never. So, I started hinting to him, just like I had been doing about me staying the night again since I really enjoyed that. But, whether he caught on or not, I don’t know, but we didn’t see each other that week. Even though I invited him over Friday after work and he was “going to let me know” if he was going to come or not, which he never did.

That weekend I flat out asked him when I was going to see him again, well, really I asked in a more “me like” way. “So, when do I get to big spoon you?”. When I named the days that worked for me, his response was, “well they’ll all be pretty rough, but Thursday might work, I’ll let you know”. Wednesday he texted me “what day were we supposed to hang out? bc my calendar is all messed up”. I knew he was working overtime this week, so I told him “tomorrow. But I get off work early Tuesday and don’t have school Wednesday.”, notice the slight sleeping over hint. His response “dope. I’ll let you know.”. Later that night I had to ask him if tomorrow would work or not, he said “yes, but only if you come here since I came there last”, which that’s what I thought we were doing anyway.

He didn’t text me all day Thursday and there were no texts of “I’m excited to see you”, “I’m pumped!”, or anything like he normally would. When I showed up we went upstairs to finish our movie that we didn’t get to finish when he came to my house, but of course I started cramping right away so had to do the awkward sit against the wall thing. Once they passed I went to lay down with him, but he didn’t hold me the same, he didn’t kiss me everywhere like he normally would, he just wasn’t the same. Once we finished my movie we started “Inglorious Bastards” and he ordered a pizza. Once we finished eating there was about 30 minutes of the movie left, but I wanted to try a new trick that I had learned. Hickeys. At one point when I’m sitting on his lap, he asked me if I was enjoying myself, obviously I answered yes. When I asked him, “Eh, I was really enjoying the movie”. Excuse me? At that point I realized it was around 8:45pm and I needed to go since he wakes up at 3:00am for work. This time he did tell me to text him when I got home.

I got home, texted him, went to bed. The next day we talked, it was fine. Saturday he had another breakdown. He texts me, “A/N, I’m not happy”, I asked him why and he explained that he’s losing his friends, sleep, doesn’t have time to hangout with his friends, cook, plan his d&d game, or reading. Plus he hadn’t held himself to any of the healthy habits he wanted to start. His work was holding him back from things he would rather spend time on or with. When I sent this to my mom and best friend, we all three pointed out that I was not something that he wished he could spend more time with. Trying to understand the situation and assuming he wanted to talk since he was telling me this, I asked, “what friends do you feel like you’re losing?”. Assuming he would name some since he talks about them all the time when I’m around or he would explain more, but no, his response, “why would their names help you any if you don’t know any of them?”. I let that one slide since he was upset and tried again, “so you’re putting the effort in but they’re not?”, to which he responded, “no A/N I reach out to them, but it’s not mutual”, which is exactly what I said. I continued to try and understand, but really he was just an ass whenever I would say something. The last thing I tried was, “well, is your overtime going to end anytime soon?”. This, this was my favorite response of his, “why would my overtime end anytime soon if Black Friday is next week and Christmas is in a month?”. Okay, I was just asking, I’m a teenage girl that’s never worked warehouse before, I didn’t know if maybe people switched off each week, but again I let it slide because when I’m upset I get a bit bitchy too.

That night I went to Bath and Body Works and got him a candle that said “Happy Dust”, because he literally loves candles, they’re all over his room, even in his car. I also got him a little roller fragrance thing to help sleep. I wrote a cute little note with it that was encouraging. I planned to go sit it in his car while he was at work since he literally never locks his car doors.

When my mom and I showed up at his work, it took us four parking lots to find his car before we realized the doors were locked (during this escapade I found out that my mom and her best friend had stalked Devin and I when I stayed the night at his house). We ran over to Target and got some baggies and cute little stickers to put all over it. We went back and I tied the bag to his car door, hoping no one would take it. I was also super excited for him to get off at 3:30pm and see it, because I went in to work at 3:00, so when I went on break I would get to see his reaction.

But, he got off early at 1:30pm and I got a text saying, “I got your bag.”, that was it. I couldn’t even respond for a whole hour, because I was so mad, but also disappointed. I asked, “did you like it?”. “Sorta”, he said SORTA. That was it. I told him to explain at 4:44pm and he hadn’t explained by 7:15pm. I knew that d&d was about to start so I sent him a text saying, “I know d&d is about to start, but I would really like to understand what you meant before tomorrow, because I actually really care about you. An I’m just trying to figure out what happened this weekend”. My mom and I were at dinner that night and I started evaluating our relationship and realizing we had some things to work on. He didn’t respond to me until 1:30pm the next day.

While at dinner I came to the conclusion that I was putting a lot more effort into this relationship than he was. There aren’t very many girlfriends that would put up with seeing their boyfriends once a week, but I did because he lived in Plainsville and I in Canal plus I’m in school and he works full time. Not very many girlfriends would be okay with not getting very much communication with their boyfriends past 7:00pm on Sundays, because he plays d&d those nights, and any other night during the week that it might possibly happen. Not very many girlfriends would put up with not getting a text back for HOURS, especially when I knew he was ignoring me, because when I was with him he had his phone next to him the entire time. Unlike me, who kept my phone in my purse, because I only got to see him once a week, so I wanted to spend that time with him. I mean, he literally worked 15 minutes away from my house and couldn’t make an effort to meet up once or twice. But, I put up with all of this, because I cared for him so much and knew that he had a rough life, but still it was no excuse.

When we first started dating he told me about all of these places he wanted to take me, but then he started to just take me to his room for a movie, which I was fine with. I enjoyed that, but it was like he was hiding me. When I was with him he would always want to go downstairs and see his friends, but I only got to see him once a week for a few hours, unlike them who could see him whenever. I made myself as accessible to him as possible, because he worked 5:00am-3:30pm, went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 3:00, I knew our communication was going to be limited, but I was willing to take what I could get. I wouldn’t text him when he was at work, because I knew he was trying to make money to pay his bills. I knew what I was getting into when I got involved with him. I knew he was depressed, so there would be rough points. I accepted that Amanda was going to be apart of his life, because she’s best friends with his best friend and she was there for him with when his Dad died. I noticed after he talked to Amanda he started pulling away. I was always the one to text first, I was always the one to ask when we were hanging out, never him. He started showing up to dates late. He used to text me all day. From morning to night. I would wake up to a text and have to tell him that I need to go to bed at night, because I have school the next day. But now, I went hours without hearing from him, once a whole day. I was invested in his life. I remembered when his concerts were, job interviews, his work schedule, but he never did that for me. He wasn’t interested in my life anymore like he used to be. An all of it hurt so much more, because I had gotten to the point where I loved him.

When he texted me on Monday I was in a Kroger parking lot, I think in Pataskala. I had went for a drive after school, I needed to think. I knew that we needed to talk, but I knew that his mind was probably already made up. He texted me, “A/N, I’m at point in my life where I really just need to be alone. You treat me so much better than I treat you and you deserve to be treated so much better. Honestly, you’re so much more invested in this than I am. I’m still hung up on a girl, I’m literally sad all the time, and I’m working my ass off, so that I die of anything but debt. You see that, right?” My response, “can I call you?”. I wasn’t about to let him break up with me over text, he wasn’t getting off that easy.

During our phone call I told him I loved him, for the first time. If I recall I said something like, “Okay. I’m talking first, then you. Okay? Alright, I love you asshole.”. I then went into all the problems that I already discussed and talked about how the problems are workable and I believe that we can make it through this tough time. He also pointed out all the problems that I brought up, which was good, we were on the same page, but he didn’t want to work them out. His words, “I’m sorry A/N. I know I told you I was ready and I wasn’t lying, but I just don’t know. I thought something fresh and new would make me happy and it did, but not anymore. I should stand to care about you and want to know more about you for as long as we’ve been together. I need to do some self-reflecting and work on myself. I think I need to stop seeing you as a girlfriend. We can be friends if that would make you happy”. Mine, “I don’t know if I want to be your friend, I think that would give me false hope right now. It’s okay, your reasonings all make sense, but I think we can work through them, but if that’s not what you want I can’t make you do that.” He had said he wanted to see me again, talk about it, but we just discussed it over the phone instead. I asked him when he wanted his stuff back, he said, “You can keep that stuff, I gave it to you because I like you. I don’t expect it back, unless you want to give it back, because it will remind you of me”. Why I would want to keep his stuff when we’re not together, I don’t know. All I know was when we hung up I cried for an hour on the phone with my mom while I drove back to Canal with the word “asshole” being every other word that came out of my mouth. I went to pick up Zola from school, because I didn’t want the sappy stuff from my mom of, “It’s gonna hurt for awhile, it will take you awhile to put yourself back out there”, I wanted the real stuff. I wanted to trash talk him.

Of course my version of trash talk, is not as harsh as Zola’s. Mine is more like, “He’s such an ass. I cared about him, he told me he was ready. Well, maybe things changed, I guess I can see it from his point of view now”. I’m not that good of a trash talker. So, really I just wanted to hear Zola trash talk him, which she did. While I saw her she posted a picture of me on SnapChat with the caption “look at this smiley cutie”, which was not true at all. I went home, gathered his stuff, cried for another half hour, on top of the other 30 minutes with Zola, and then came up with a plan of “revenge”, which honestly can’t even be called revenge.

I decided I was going to wash all of the things he gave me of his to get rid of his scent and replace them with mine. He always complimented me on how I smelled. So, now he was going to smell me. Once I washed his stuff, I sprayed my perfume ALL over those bitches. Then, I printed out our text conversation of when he told me he was ready for a relationship with me, but I asked if he was sure before and wrote on it, “I love you, asshole, but love yourself first”. I then took his picture off my wall and put a post it note on it that said, “Let me know when you’re ready to try again…”.

Later that night Zola SnapChatted him saying, “A/N actually wasn’t a smiley cutie today, she was a mess. You made a mistake.”, his response, “Yeah, I figured as much. I’m sorry.” Asshole. Zola, being her typical sassy self said, “An apology isn’t needed, but an explanation is”. He then went all emo on her and said what he said to me, but added “this has to be over, at least until I can be happy with myself”. She then questioned, “so this is temporary?”, him, “I don’t know, maybe. I need to like myself first”. She very quickly texted me, filled me in on the whole conversation they had, and in all caps said, “A/N YOU NEED TO TEXT HIM TOMORROW AND MAKE SURE THIS IS REALLY WHAT HE WANTS. HE MIGHT JUST WANT A BREAK.” So, I planned out what I was going to say and was ready to text him.

The next day I said, “So you’re done? You don’t want to try and work this out, talk, or anything? Because all of the problems that we both brought up are all workable. This is exactly what happened last time. You blamed it on being hung up on a girl and not being in a place in your life where you can handle a relationship. And honestly I think you’re overwhelmed because you’ve got all these changes happening in your life, on top of everything else that you do. An I understand, I don’t think you get how much I understand. I don’t text you when you’re at work because I know you’re working to pay your bills and student loans. I don’t text you past 7:00pm on Sundays because that’s your d&d time. I try to make myself as available as possible to you since your schedule is so hectic and crazy. I want to know what happened between Thursday and now that’s making you want to drop us. Because this is literally all you.”. His response, “A/N, my problems are my own to fix. It’s great that you care enough about me to want to tackle them together, but it’s a personal thing I’ve gotta overcome. So yeah, I think I have to be done here, at least until I can be happy with myself. Gotta love me before I can love someone else.”. Note the “at least” wordplay. My response, “Leave your car doors unlocked tomorrow, I’ll drop your stuff off and lock them when I leave”.

I never wanted to fix his problems, I was saying that I would be there for him while he was fixing his problems himself. But, all of the reasons for us breaking up do make sense. I wasn’t being treated as well as I deserved, I was putting in most of the effort, but he also has a lot of personal things he needs to work on before he can be in a relationship with someone. This November would’ve been six months since he was out of school, so that means he got the loan bill this month. Which is probably why he had to start working full time instead of part time. And now he doesn’t have as much time, so he has to figure out his priorities. So, I believe looking at all of his options I was the one thing he could truly control. He could get rid of me and it would be one less thing for him to worry about. So maybe he’ll come back in a month or two, maybe he won’t, who knows. Maybe he was scared of me because he knew I wouldn’t hurt him. He knew I could make him happy and he was terrified of being happy, because once you’re happy it can be taken away from you. What’s meant to happen will happen.

But, looking back I do wonder what would have happened if I would’ve called him out when I noticed his lack of effort or change in attitude right away. Or what would’ve happened if I would’ve made him wait a month or two longer as friends, instead of jumping in after three weeks. I was honestly prepared to be waiting until now, or December until we would start dating, so maybe we moved too quick. But, I’m not mad at him. I’m sad that it’s over, because I enjoyed him, I loved him, and enjoyed our time together, but I’m not sad it happened. My tears shed for him were not a sign of weakness, they were a sign of a pure heart. I’m incredibly happy that it happened. I feel truly blessed that the universe allowed our souls to meet and spend a small portion of our infinite lives in this universe together, because it was an honor to get to know and meet him.  But I did not lose anything from this experience, if anything I gained an infinite amount of knowledge about myself, which is a gift all in it’s own.